Love You Forever

Sometimes I feel so lonely in this house that was once so busy that I just want to drive across town to see him. But then I remember that I would have exploded had my parents done that when I was 24 and I refrain. Yet, it's so hard to go past his room every day that was once so messy because someone actually lived in it - it's so hard to go past that room and have it be so clean, so empty because all of his stuff got taken to college, and now to that apartment that he shares with his friends. I suppose this is the literal definition of an 'empty nester' and I guess now is the point at which my life becomes a little bit more about me, rather than about my kid - but what if I miss him and just want him back here? But it's not all bad, I should say that, it's not all bad in this stage of our lives. His is booming with activity, with his new job and that girl who he won't tell me about and his friends with all their various significant others and that apartmen...

I smelled weed on him for the first time yesterday; he came back at ten after being driven home by one of his friends (the sensible one; I wouldn't have let those other two drive him because they can't even manage to drive themselves properly from what their parents say) and I pretended to be asleep so that he could have his time to himself, but once he had turned his light off and gone to sleep, I walked out into the hall and in the bathroom, his discarded clothes on the ground smelled like it. Like weed. I opened the door to his room just to make sure he truly was there and he was really alright and he was, it was eleven at night and he was asleep like he had been when he was six and really tired after a playdate with his friends, he curled up in just the same way, except now his phone was on the ground and there was clothing all around the room and his computer monitor blinked every couple of seconds signaling that it was still running. I turned it off and then went back to...

I am beginning to realize that life will never settle down, that parenting will never become any less chaotic, and that, despite the chaos, it has only gotten better and I assume it will only get better from here. He truly has a personality, it's incredible to see, and he is smart  (although of course every parent thinks this) and his view on the world is complex in ways that I can only hope to get - he is optimistic but so realistic at the same time and I want to take credit for this but I don't know because so much of the time I feel that I lean far more towards the 'realism' side of the spectrum than the 'optimism' one. But he is not always a little angel, he can also be mischievous and silly and plain annoying - like when my mom comes over and he chooses that moment to use the word that his friend taught him at school... it's as if he wants  to annoy me in front of my mom. Bedtimes are a daily struggle to first make him come inside from playing with hi...

It's so strange how two years ago on this date I posted for the very first time here - so much has changed since and I can only assume that so much will change in the future. I feel so much more confident in parenting than I did back then... it was fun and chaotic, and now it is still fun and chaotic but it has settled into a rhythm, or a routine of sorts. He can be so crazy sometimes, running around the house, pulling books off of the shelves for no reason, emptying the contents of the refrigerator on to the kitchen floor when I'm doing work in my room, taking my watch from my dresser and flushing it down the toilet (was he trying  to annoy me?) - just to name a few. But he is also such a sweet, good  boy and he still falls asleep on my chest when I'm putting him to bed, and he can tell when I've had a long day at work and I pick him up from daycare and I have less energy and he'll ask me 'what's wrong?' in such a pure voice. It's at times like th...

He smiled for the first time yesterday and it was so shocking to see because it felt real  - I've been told it might have just been gas, you know, or something little like that, and maybe it's just that I want to believe it's real because it was a rather cute smile... Being a mother has been so much work - but I knew that going into everything; I knew that it would be a lot especially on top of working (I went back a couple of days ago) so it wasn't too much of a surprise but what I didn't realize was how truly wonderful it would be. I knew that this baby would be mine and I knew that I would love him but I didn't realize that parenting would be funny, from just not knowing what I'm doing to the little sounds he makes, and really sweet like when he falls asleep on top of my chest as I'm putting him to bed for the fourth time in a night. And this smile (if I am going to believe that it actually is a smile) - it means that there's truly a person insi...